


Tribulation

by kyeopen



Category: Twenty One Pilots
Genre: Alternate Universe - No Band, Anger, Break Up, Cheating, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Heartbreak, M/M, Moving On, relationship
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-04-09
Updated: 2019-09-15
Packaged: 2020-01-07 13:35:13
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 16,441
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18411707
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/kyeopen/pseuds/kyeopen
Summary: Tyler knows Josh is cheating on him.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> I'm sorry
> 
> This story is inspired by 'Slipping Away' by olgushka.

Tyler sees every single sign. Of course he sees them. But he does nothing. Because it’s not his place, is it? It’s not his place to confront his boyfriend with the fact that he _knows_ he’s cheating on him. It’s not his place to come up with evidences to prove something he already knows. It’s not his place to get his boyfriend to tell him the truth. And so he does nothing. He does nothing and he waits for Josh to come clean.

He’s curious to know when the red-haired boy will finally have the guts to do it.

When he comes back home from work that day, Tyler can see he’s different. He’s giddy. He’s giddy with excitement. He would usually try to know the reason behind his sudden boost of energy and enthusiasm. He would usually ask him questions about his work but today he doesn’t. Because it is already late and Tyler knows Josh wasn’t _‘compelled to do some extra hours again’_.

‘Hi babe, how are you doing?’ Josh asks, and Tyler flinches at the nickname.

 _Don’t call me that._ He almost wants to say. But he stays silent and gives him a fake smile and a vague answer instead.

‘Oh you know. Work.’ Tyler says, without looking up from the newspaper he’s reading on the couch.

‘Yeah tell me about it.’ Josh answers, letting himself fall on the sofa. ‘I was with this new patient until very late in the afternoon.’

‘Really?’ Tyler asks, looking at him dead in the eye. ‘What’s he like?’

‘Babe you know I’m not really allowed to discuss that.’

‘Right. How silly.’ Tyler only says, getting back to his reading.

Josh is a therapist, and Tyler thinks it’s kind of funny, to hear his boyfriend praising non-violent communication and honesty every single day while he’s the one cheating on him and not telling him a single thing about it in the first place. Sometimes, he wonders why his boyfriend stays silent. He wonders if he’s scared, if he’s ashamed or nervous to bring his infidelity up or if he just doesn’t care at all and likes leading him up to the garden path.

‘I’m going to take a shower, I’ll be right back.’ Josh says, pecking him on the lips before disappearing in the bathroom. Tyler pretends not to notice that Josh smells different.

***

Tyler is doing the dishes. Their dishwasher broke down a few days ago and Tyler hasn’t taken the time to call the repairman yet. He usually doesn’t need to. Josh is the one usually taking care of this kind of things. He’s always been very handy and Tyler doesn’t even remember the last time he needed to call an expert.

He’s doing the dishes and he can hear his boyfriend talking from their bedroom.

‘Of course I’m going to break up with him.’ He can hear him say. ‘Just not… Not now… No dude, you don’t understand, he’s… For christ’s sake he’s been my boyfriend for years, what do you expect?’

Tyler wonders if Josh thinks he’s being discreet. He wonders if he thinks he’s doing a great job at keeping this whole love affair a secret. He wonders if he ever plans on breaking up with him like he told the other person on the phone. Maybe they’re both being led on. Sometimes Tyler wants to know who the other guy is. He just doesn’t know if it will make it any better.

‘He’s just… I still care about him, you know? I’ve loved him for so many years, this kind of thing doesn’t just vanish.’

This puts a ghost of a smile on his face. _He still cares about me._

‘No please… I will, okay? I’ll break up with him. Just give me a few days… Yes… I love you. So much.’

 _I love you too_. Tyler whispers to himself while a few tears roll down his cheeks.

As he hears Josh opening the door of their bedroom, Tyler sniffs and quickly wipes the tears with his hands, getting back to the dishes. He can hear his boyfriend taking a few steps inside the kitchen and when this one wraps two arms around his waist and hides his face in the crook of his neck, Tyler just goes along and kisses him on the hair.

‘Since when do you lock yourself in to make a call?’ He asks.

Might as well help him out coming clean.

‘Just work stuff.’ Josh answers, kissing him on the neck.

‘Everything’s okay?’

‘Everything’s great.’ Josh promises and Tyler almost finds himself believing him. ‘I’ll just need to stay in late again tomorrow. I’m sorry.’

‘It’s alright.’ Tyler says, his voice emotionless.

‘Is the dishwasher broken?’

‘Yeah. It broke down a few days ago. But you’re so busy with work lately, I can call a repairman if you want.’

‘Nonsense. I’ll fix it this week-end.’

***

‘So, Josh? Are you ever planning to propose to my beautiful son?’

Tyler almost chokes on his food. He coughs and eventually has to get up and takes a few sips of his water to regain his breath. It’s not the first time his mom is asking him this question, after all his parents have made it clear that they want him to get married. They have always idealized Josh, for as long as he can remember and Tyler knows that the news will come as quite a shock to them.

He runs one of his hands through his hair and while Josh is usually playing along with it, Tyler can feel that even his boyfriend is uncomfortable at the moment. _Of course he is_. When he is taking a seat back to the table, his mom is looking at him with a confused expression but Tyler stays silent.

‘Is there something we should be aware of?’ His mom asks, a huge smile suddenly stretching his lips.

‘No.’ Tyler instantly says, looking at Josh. ‘There will be no wedding mom.’

‘And why is that?’ His father asks, curious.

‘Because Josh isn’t really in position to propose to me right now, is he?’ He says, without taking his eyes off his boyfriend.

***

_Are you even planning on breaking up with me?_

***

Josh is in the shower. Tyler is alone in their bedroom and he tries not to look at his boyfriend’s cellphone still on his bedside table but when it starts ringing, curiosity gets the best of him and he puts his own computer aside to take the object in his hands.

Josh changed his password. Of course he did. But Tyler has watched him enough out of the corner of his eye to catch him typing the new code a few times already. _030694_. His brother’s date of birth. At first Tyler does nothing and stares at his background. It’s still the same picture of the two of them. He still remembers taking this picture and Tyler finds himself smiling for a few seconds. They were down on that lake that day. They has just spent the day at Josh’s parents and Josh had dragged him along on a bike tour along the lake.

Tyler loves Josh’s family. He loves his parents and his siblings with his whole heart and he wonders sometimes if they’re aware of Josh’s secret love affair. He wonders if Ashley knows. Josh and her have always been so close and he wants to know how many people are in the confidence. He wants to know how many people think he’s naive enough not to see the signs.

The cellphone rings again in his hands and a new messages comes up on the screen. And when Tyler’s eyes finally fall on the name of the person Josh is cheating on him with for the past few weeks, he cannot find it in himself to be surprised.

“ _Matt: Hi babe. Last night was fun, I’ll see you on Thursday? Love you ♥”_

 _Matt._ Josh’s coworker. Tyler knows him well. A sweet guy. And Tyler doesn’t know which is worse.

Being very aware that your boyfriend is cheating on you with a good person even if it is with someone you thought you could trust, or not knowing a single thing about that said person. He doesn’t know which option would hurt him more.

A dash of jealousy settles in his stomach and for a few seconds, he wants to click on the conversation and read all the messages they’ve sent each other but he eventually refrains himself from doing so and brings back his attention to the article he’s reading online. Or at east he tries to. But his eyes read the same sentence over and over again and his boyfriend’s cellphone keeps ringing next to him and Tyler suddenly feels sick. He feels sick, and wrong.

What kind of person does it make him? Knowing his own boyfriend cheats on him but staying quiet? Seeing the way Josh looks at him but pretending not to see the change? Overhearing a conversation between him and Matt but still going on with his routine?

Deep down he knows why he acts the way he does. Deep down he knows why he acts like nothing happens. Because even though Josh has fallen out of love with him, his own feelings haven’t changed a bit.

 _You’re a selfish prick_. He thinks to himself, but still cuddle up to Josh that night. Because he wants to feel happy at least one more time.

 _One more night._ He promises himself. _Only one more night._

***

‘You would tell me, right? If something came up?’

‘What do you mean?’ Josh asks.

‘You would tell me? If you felt like you couldn’t make it work anymore?’ Tyler says with tears in his eyes.

‘Of course I would.’ He can hear him answer. ‘Of course I would, Tyler.’

‘No secrets?’

‘No secrets.’

_Why all these lies?_

***

They’re both seated on the sofa. The television is on but Tyler’s mind is restless. If you would ask him, he wouldn’t even be able to tell you what the movie is about. Something about a murder investigation. That’s the only thing he remembers from the past twenty minutes. His mind is blank and full of questions at the same time. Josh wrapped one of his arm around his shoulders and is currently tracing small patterns on his chest. And as much as Tyler doesn’t want him to stop, he suddenly realizes how wrong the whole situation is. He suddenly realizes how unhealthy this relationship has become.

‘What am I doing?’ He whispers to himself and ignores Josh’s puzzled look.

He only shrugs his shoulders and waves at him and when Josh brings back his attention to the screen, Tyler gets up and makes his way inside their bedroom. Here, he takes a bag – the one he keeps in his closet, right next to his old notebooks filled with song-lyrics – and fills it with some of his clothes. He grabs a few boxers, three pants, some tee-shirts and one hoodie. He takes his computer, his chargers, the book he’s currently reading, his toilet bag and his beanie.

‘Tyler?’ Says the voice he fell in love with a few years ago. ‘What’s with the bag?’

Tyler only looks up at him and gives him a sad smile. He’s never wanted for this relationship to end up like this. But maybe it’s for the best. After all, Tyler has always known he wasn’t worthy of anyone’s love. Maybe this relationship was doomed to end up this way. And maybe that’s okay.

‘What would you do in my place?’ Tyler asks, his voice shaking a bit.

‘What do you mean?’ Josh asks.

‘What would you do if you knew your boyfriend was cheating on you?’

‘Ty…’ He says, with guilt in his voice.

‘What would you do if you knew your boyfriend fell in love with somebody else? Would you stay there and pretend that nothing happened? That nothing _happens_? Would you stay there and try to ignore all the signs? Or would you take your shit and leave?’

‘How long… How long have you known?’

‘It doesn’t matter.’ Tyler only answers with the same sad smile on his face. ‘What’s important is that I can’t stay there and pretend that nothing changed. I can’t stay there and stop you from living what might be your greatest love story.’

‘Ty...’ Josh repeats a second time, a few tears rolling down his cheeks.

Tyler watches him break down and cry and for a few seconds, his first instinct is to cross the space that separates him from his boyfriend and take him in his arms. For a few seconds, his first instinct is to hold him close and tell him that everything’s going to be okay. But he does none of those things and stays quiet, and immobile.

‘I’m so sorry.’ He adds. ‘I… I care about you, you know? I really do.’

‘You don’t.’ Tyler contradicts him, smiling a bit more. It’s a sincere smile. He doesn’t feel angry. He feels relieved. ‘Not really. You would have come clean a long time ago if you truly did.’

‘I just… I didn’t know how to bring it up, I- Tyler, I just-’ Josh tries to explain, in tears.

‘I hope he’s going to make you happy.’ Tyler only says. ‘Matt. I hope he’s going to make you happy. More than I ever did.’He adds, taking a few steps towards the front-door, his bag on his shoulder.

‘Tyler, wait.’

Tyler turns around as Josh stops him from doing another step by taking his hand in his.

‘Goodbye, Josh.’ He says and leaves the apartment, his eyes filled with tears.

***

‘Tyler?’ Mark asks, confused, opening the door.

‘Jenna told me you were looking for a roommate?’

 

 


	2. Chapter 2

‘ _Jenna told me you were looking for a roommate?’_

‘Well... I am yeah but… What happened, dude?’

‘I hum… We… We broke up. You know. That happened. Sometimes.’ Tyler says and he can already feel his eyes watering once again.

‘But why?’ Mark only asks and Tyler smiles.

‘He just… He just doesn’t love me anymore, Mark.’ He says and a few tears are rolling down his cheeks. Because it’s just it. _He doesn’t love me anymore_. It happens sometimes, and Tyler is not naive. People fall in and out of love all the time and there is no such thing as a guarantee that a relationship will work. You just have to trust the other person and hope that their feelings will remain the same. Josh was maybe the one for him but he wasn’t the one for Josh.

‘What has he done?’ Mark asks him, his voice much colder than a few seconds ago.

‘He just… He was cheating on me and I… I didn’t kn-’

‘I’m going to fucking kill him.’ His friend says, cutting him off.

‘No you won’t.’

‘I will!’ Mark contradicts him. He runs his right hand through his hair and starts pacing back and forth in the living-room. ‘I’m going to fucking kill him.’ He repeats. ‘I’m the one who introduced you to him and I… I was so far away from thinking he would be able to do that to you.’

Mark keeps talking. He’s angry. Tyler gets it. But he says nothing. Because he’s sad. Of course he is. His eight years relationship just ended. Eight years is a very long time. But maybe that’s okay. They were just kids when they first met. Maybe Tyler’s expectations were too big. Maybe he believed in love a bit too much. Maybe he hoped a bit too much. That’s what kids do after all. Tyler has always been an idealistic boy when it came to love, he’s aware of that. He used to believe someone would come and change his life upside down. Make it better. He used to believe someone would come and they would fall in love with each other, move in together, get married and have three kids. His parents marriage is so perfect he used to believe he could have that, too. He used to believe he was entitled to have the same kind of love story. And for a while, Josh really made him feel like it was possible. Because Josh was perfect. He was kind and sweet and attentive and considerate, how could he ask for more? He couldn’t.

But now he knows. Now he knows it was just a fantasy. A childhood dream. A fairy tale you tell kids to make them feel better about their lives. In reality, humans are so much more complicated than that. They make stupid mistakes, and Tyler is the one to suffer from it today.

‘Why are you so calm about it?’ Mark eventually asks, making him come back to his senses.

‘What do you want me to say, Mark? That I’m mad? That I wish things could have ended differently? That I believed he was honest enough to tell me he was falling out of love with me before fucking another dude behind my back? Because yeah. All of those things are true but what can I do about it? He cheated. That’s just it

Tyler tells him everything that night. He tells him about the signs and about how he chose to ignore them for so long. He tells him about how numb he feels and how heartbroken he is. He tells him everything and his friend just listens. He always listens.

**

Tyler never thought it would be this hard. He thought he would just put everything behind him and move on. He thought the void inside him would eventually fill up. He thought it was only a matter of a few days, he thought it would be enough to get back on track, to regain focus and to grow accustomed to Josh’s absence.

But the void is still here, and it only grew stronger. The numbness has slowly been replaced by a turmoil of new feelings Tyler can’t quite put a name on. He felt nothing and now he feels too much. There is not a single day that goes by when he doesn’t think about him. There is not a single day that goes by when he doesn’t burst into tears because of him. There is not a single day that goes by when he doesn’t want him back.

He can see his life crashing down in front of him and there is not a single thing he can do to stop it. There is not a single thing he _wants_ to do to stop it. For all he knows, he’s the one speeding up his own life’s demolition process.

He’s given up.

He decides his life is not worth it if he’s not here by his side.

And so he stops eating. He stops showering. He stops shaving. He stops sleeping.

**

‘Tyler you should get out.’ Mark says. ‘I can’t even begin to imagine how hard it must be but you should get out.’

‘And do what?’ Tyler asks, looking up at him. ‘Everything out there reminds me of him. And I just want to forget.’

**

The first time Tyler turns on his phone is six days after the break-up, and his eyes hurt just by looking at his screen. He’s never leaving the darkness of his room and he feels to him like he hasn’t seen the light of day for ages.

He’s drowning in texts and missed-calls but doesn’t find it in him to feel guilty. He runs a hand through his hair and sighs. He starts reading the most recent ones. Each of them is filled with worry, concern and preoccupation. And anger too, sometimes. His family means well. But he’s not so sure he’s ready to see them just yet. He’s afraid that once he’ll see them, he will only be faced by pity and disappointment. Because he wasn’t the only one idealizing Josh. Everyone did.

It’s only another reminder for him that he should never trust anyone, no matter how perfect they seem. Never again.

Speaking of him, there are no texts coming from the red-haired boy. Not a single one. Many come from his parents, his brothers, his sister, some from his friends but there’s nothing from him. He doesn’t really know why he hoped to hear from him.

His eyes eventually fall on his background and they instantly start watering. He remember this picture. It’s always been his favorite one of the two of them. He is smiling and Josh is laughing at something he just said. The picture just radiates joy and love and Tyler can still remember the way he laughed, the way his eyes would crinkle every single time he was doing so, the way he would stuck his tongue between his teeth. He remembers everything about him and he wishes someone could brainwash him and make him forget. Make him forget everything about him.

There is a message from his brother that catches his attention.

‘ _Zack: Tyler, what the fuck happened? I’ve seen Matt’s picture on Instagram. Please call me back, alright? I just want to be sure you’re okay.’_

 _How could I be?_ Tyler thinks but sends nothing back to his brother.

His first instinct is to go on Matt’s Instagram account and what he sees makes his heart physically ache.

They’re smiling. _Josh_ is smiling. Matt is kissing him on the cheek. Josh’s face is clean shaved and his hair is now vibrant yellow. He seems happy. He _is_ happy.

 _No._ Tyler thinks. It’s more than that. _It’s the happiest I’ve ever seen him_.

‘ _Finally out in the open :)’_ says the caption. Tyler throws his phone on the wall.

His lips start shaking. His throat tightens. His eyes water and he bursts into tears. He tries to hold back his sobs but soon enough his whole body breaks down and he collapses on the ground. Josh was his everything. Josh was his answer. Josh made the dark thoughts in his head stop.

Josh made everything better.

He never thought he would eventually make everything worse.

‘I hate you.’ He says, sobbing uncontrollably. ‘I hate you.’ He repeats another time, a bit louder, until he’s screaming at the tops of his lungs. ‘I hate you I hate you _I HATE YOU.’_

**

‘ _Alright, get the fuck out of your bed.’_ Mark says, opening the curtains with an abrupt gesture. 

His eyes hurt from the sun and Tyler closes them and turns around on his bed, hiding his face on his pillow, groaning and saying incomprehensible things to Mark.

‘Leave me alone.’ He only says.

‘No.’

‘Leave me _alone_ , Mark.’ He repeats a second time.

‘No.’

‘Mark, leave me the fuck alone, alright?’

‘No. You’re going to get the fuck out of this apartment.’

‘I’m not.’

‘You are.’ Mark only repeats. ‘Tyler, you need to get out alright? You smell like literal shit, you haven’t showered in days, you look like a freaking zombie and I’m honestly surprised you’re still alive.’

‘Good.’ Tyler says. ‘Life is underrated anyway.’

‘For christ’s sake, Tyler!’ Mark cuts him off. ‘You know when I told Jenna I wanted a roommate I meant it. I want a roommate, not a reanimated fucking corpse.’

Tyler doesn’t have the time to answer anything that he’s suddenly being pull out of his duvet. Mark wraps one of his arms around his shoulders and drags him in the bathroom, in front of the mirror. And Tyler never expected to look _so bad_. His eyes are bloodshot, his hair is greasy and much longer than usual. His face seems tired, sad, and makes him look ten years older than he actually is. His beard has long overtaken the designer stubble and it certainly doesn’t look good on him. He’s gotten even skinnier than usual and Tyler is surprised his body is still standing up.

‘Look at you, Tyler.’ Mark says slowly. ‘Look at you. You can’t go on this way.’

Tyler looks down at the bathroom tiles but Mark doesn’t let him and he places his two hands on his cheeks, making him look up.

‘Look at you!’ Mark yells.

‘I am looking!’ Tyler says, even louder. ‘I am looking! But what do you want me to say? What do you want me to tell you? I know I look like shit, I know I’m a mess but I just can’t bring myself to care, alright? I don’t care. I don’t care anymore.’

‘Tyler...’

‘He left me, Mark!’ Tyler screams, his eyes filled with tears. ‘He fucking left me. He cheated on me for weeks, he manipulated me, he hurt me so bad I can feel my heart physically ache, alright? And trust me, I know damn well it’s not possible but I can _feel_ it. He ripped my heart out of my chest, he stamped on it and then he put it back. How the fuck do you expect me to feel?’

‘Ty, I know it’s-’

‘You know nothing, Mark.’ Tyler says, leaving the bathroom. ‘You know nothing. He made me believe everything was alright while I knew, deep down that everything was turning to shit. He made me leave him and now I feel like the past eight years of our lives don’t even mean a thing to him. He didn’t even call. He didn’t even text me. Nothing. He waited for me to leave him to join this fucking asshole I thought I could trust. He was having the best time only one week after our break-up while I was here, rotting on my bed and questioning all my life’s choices. And you know what’s the worst part? The worst part is that I’m still in love with him. I love him so much and I hate myself a bit more from still loving him that much.’

‘I think you two should talk.’ Mark only says, leaning on the bathroom’s wall.

‘Really, Mark? That’s your advice? I don’t want to fucking talk to him ever again. I don’t even want to see his face.’

‘Tyler, he was a huge part of eight years of your life and you just… You just left the apartment without saying anything to him.’

‘But he’s the one who should have said something! he’s the one who… He’s the one who should have run down the stairs and catch me up! He’s the one who should have talked to me and explained why the hell he thought it was okay to cheat on me in the first place. He’s the one who should have told me that this relationship wasn’t making him happy anymore. He’s the one who should have broken up with me before fucking Matt behind my back. He didn’t do any of those things Mark. I had to break up with him.’ Tyler only screams a bit louder, sobbing.

‘I know.’ Mark says. ‘Exactly! You’re entitled to have an explanation, Tyler. You’re entitled to have some sense of closure. He owes it to you. You can’t possibly end eight years of your life like this.’

**

The first time Tyler truly gets out, it’s only to meet his parents in his childhood house. Mark called then when he realized that his best-friend wasn’t planning on it anytime soon. Tyler hasn’t changed. His appearance is still the same, he just took a quick shower to make himself look more presentable. That’s all the energy he could muster.

When he sees his mother for the first time, the way she looks at him makes him want to cry. There’s so much worry in her eyes, so much concern and Tyler doesn’t stop her when she takes him in her arms.

‘We’ve been so worried about you sweetheart, why didn’t you call?’

‘I… I texted you.’ Tyler still says, hoping that it will make him look better.

‘Do you want to come back home for a while?’

‘No… No I don’t want you guys to see me like this on a daily basis.’

‘Tyler, we love you.’ His dad says. ‘You’re only 26 years old, you’ll find someone else. You still have time.’

‘I know I still have time dad, that’s not… That’s not the point.’ He says, his voice shaking, just like each time Josh comes up in the conversations. ‘I just… I really loved him, you know?’ And his voice breaks. ‘I still do.’

‘We know you do, sweetheart.’ His mom answers. ‘You were only 17 when you met him. You were so young and you have so many great memories with him, nobody expects you to move on so easily, alright?

‘I feel like… I feel like I’ve always lived with him, mom. It’s been so long I feel like he’s always been there. And now I… And now I have… I have no-one. I’m alone. I’m alone I… I never… I’ve never been on my own. He was always there. I just… I can’t function properly without him, mom. I just can’t.’

‘Of course, you can, sweetie. You just need time.’

‘And you’re not alone, Tyler.’ His dad adds.

‘You have me.’ Mark suddenly says and Tyler looks up at him and breaks down in tears once again.

‘I’m sorry.’ He tells him. ‘God Mark I’m sorry, I… I’ve been such a shitty friend and you’ve only been so ni-’

‘Hey hey hey.’ Mark cuts him off, taking him in his arms. ‘It’s okay. It’s all okay. You can’t get rid of me so easily.’

‘I just… I’m trying to move on I swear but I just can’t. He’s everywhere. And I… He doesn’t even care, you know?’ Tyler says, crying a bit more. ‘He’s out there with… With him and I just… It’s eight years, mom! Eight years and he just… He just moved on. How come he just _moved on_? If it only… If it only took him two days to start a new life with someone else then… Then maybe he never loved me in the first place.’

‘Dude, of course he did.’ Mark instantly says.

‘But maybe he didn’t.’

‘He did.’ His mom says.

‘Tyler, I’m not… I’m not going to say that you should forgive him.’ Mark starts. ‘I’m not going to say it because I’m not sure I’ll ever find it in myself to do the same. He was my friend too, you know. And I’m not saying that what you’re going through is similar to what I feel cause it’s not. It must be so much worse for you and… And you must be in so much pain and I hate him for that. I just want to say that… That I know him. I _knew_ him. And trust me when I say that you made him the happiest I’ve ever seen him. He loved you. He truly did. And I don’t know what the fuck happened. I don’t know cause I’ve made it clear to him that I never wanted to see his face again unless you find it in you to forgive him one day. I don’t know what happened. I don’t know and honesty I don’t understand. But he loved you. Of that, I’m sure of.’

**

Tyler starts to go out a bit more. Sometimes it’s only to check the mail or to take out the trash. Sometimes he stays in bed all day and cries himself to sleep. Sometimes he almost thinks he’s doing okay. And then, it only gets worse and he refuses to talk to Mark for hours and withdraws into himself in the dark.

Sometimes he wants to delete his phone number from his contact list and sometimes the only thing he wants is to hear his voice again.

He starts eating a bit more. He tries not to forget to shower every day. He starts taking care of himself a bit more. He’s not sure he’ll get there one day. But he guesses it’s worth a try.

**

Tyler thinks it’s kind of funny, that the first time he sees Josh again is during one of his bad days. It may be the worst day he’s had in weeks. He still hasn’t shaved his beard, he hasn’t showered and the pain kept him up all night. His eyes are bloodshot again and he can feel that the muscles of his face are all tense from his exhaustion.

He still decided that morning that he needed to get out of the apartment and take some fresh air, even if it is only for thirty minutes. He decided to walk around the park located right next to the flat he now shares with Mark and _Josh_ was there. With him. They’re holding hands and Tyler almost wants to run away but before he has the chance to turn around, his eyes meet Josh’s. For a few seconds, neither of them do anything. They just stay there, looking at each other dead in the eye, both hoping that the other one will look away. For a while Tyler almost believes that he will just pretend he never saw him and go on with his day but then he can see him take a few steps towards him and Tyler’s heart pounds so hard against his chest he’s afraid it might explode.

‘Hey.’ Josh only says and Tyler instantly looks down, running one of his hand through his hair.

‘Hi.’ Matt says and Tyler can hear this one doesn’t want to be here either.

‘Hey.’ He answers and his voice is so much more fragile than he’d like it to be.

 _Don’t cry_. He says to himself. _Don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry_. His eyes start watering but he tries his best to hold back the tears.

‘You look huh...’

‘Don’t.’ Tyler cuts him off. Because he knows damn well how he looks. He knows he looks weak. He knows he looks tired, and depressed, and like he hasn’t slept in days. He’s only wearing a tracksuit and an old tee-shirt and Josh is so much more presentable than him, which makes it clear that he took their break-up so much better than he did, and Tyler hates himself from giving him the satisfaction of noticing that. ‘Just don’t.’ Tyler repeats.

‘How… How have you been doing?’

‘I said _don’t_ , Josh.’

‘I just wanted to-’

‘I’m sorry but I can’t.’ Tyler only says. ‘I just can’t.’ He adds and turns around.

**

‘ _Tyler. You probably blocked my number and maybe you won’t ever receive this text but maybe you will. If you do please know I’m sorry. I’m sorry I cheated on you. I’m sorry I didn’t tell you anything. I’m sorry I hurt you so bad. I’m sorry I made you suffer. I’m sorry I made you cry. I’m sorry I made you feel like you weren’t enough. Because you are._

_I have no excuse. What I did was so wrong and I know I betrayed your trust in the worst way possible and there’s not a single day that goes by when I don’t regret it. I was a coward. I still am. I was so scared to tell you the truth so I lied to you instead. And then this lie led to another lie and before I knew it I was stuck in this spiral of lies and I didn’t know how to get myself out of it._

_Tyler you’re such a kind and beautiful man, inside and out, and you’re the last person I wanted to hurt. But I did and I hate myself for it._

_I’m sorry I didn’t run after you that day. I’m sorry I didn’t try more. I’m sorry I didn’t try hard enough. I’m sorry I wasn’t the right person for you._

_I didn’t try to contact you because I suspected you didn’t want to hear from me but please don’t think for a second that moving on was easy for me. I know it can feel to you like it was but it wasn’t._

_Tyler, I want you to know that you made me so fucking happy. The happiest I’ve ever been. I want you to know that I loved you. So much. You’re part of eight years of my life and I will never regret a single thing about these moments, except for the way I treated you at the end of our relationship._

_I’m sorry I fell out of love with you. And if you ever find it in yourself to forgive me or to want to be friends again then know there will always be a place for you here._

_And if you ever feel the need to talk, if you ever feel like it can help you move on then please know that my door is always open for you._

_Until then, I wish you to be happy. I wish you to meet someone that will know how to love you for who you really are. I’m sorry I wasn’t able to do that._

_I care about you. Always._

_J.”_

Tyler cries himself to sleep, that night.

**

‘ _Meet me at the cafe next to Mark’s place. 4pm. Tomorrow.’_

‘ _I’ll be there.’_

_**_

Tyler can see him through the window. This one hasn’t seen him yet and seems to be focused on the cafe’s menu. For a few seconds, Tyler wonders if he is strong enough to face him. For a few seconds, he almost turns around to tell Mark that he cannot find it in himself to see him again but quite unexpectedly he refrains himself from doing so and opens the door of the cafe instead. Josh looks up from the menu and gives him a warm smile, waving at him to seat down.

‘You look great.’ Josh says and Tyler almost smiles at him. He’s wearing his brown doc-martens, a black skinny jean with his favorite tank top. He does look great.

‘Thanks.’ He’s only answering.

‘How have you been doing?’

‘Okay. I guess. Considering how my last relationship ended.’ He says. ‘My ex-boyfriend was a real asshole who thought it was okay to cheat on me for weeks without ever planning on telling me the truth.’

‘I… He does sound like an asshole.’

‘He was. He still is. He thought sending me a text to apologize would be enough to make it all go away.’

‘Tyler, I...’

‘What the fuck, Josh?’ Tyler cuts him off. ‘A text? A fucking text? Are you serious?’

‘I’m sorry.’ Josh only answers.

‘Oh trust me I know that, I think you made it clear in your text. 12 times, to be exact. Very impressive, Josh.’

‘I just didn’t know how t-’

‘No this time you’re going to listen to me, alright?’ Tyler says. ‘You’re going to listen to me and I don’t want to hear a single word coming out of your mouth until I tell you to do so, alright?’

‘Alright.’

‘You know I think it’s kind of funny actually. You’re a fucking therapist Josh, and I can’t remember how many times I heard you praise non-violent communication and honesty. And yet you were the one cheating on me with Matt behind my back. And I’m sorry I’m getting mad at you right now. I’m sorry I don’t follow your advice and that I don’t try to talk to you in a much calmer tone but I think I’m allowed to do that. I think I’m entitled to be pissed at you. I saw the signs you know? I don’t know if you… I don’t know if you thought you were being discreet about the whole thing. I don’t know if you thought you were doing a good job at keeping it a secret but… Newsflash! You weren’t. You weren’t. I saw all the signs and I… I know how wrong it was of me not to say anything. But I was curious, you know. I was curious to see how long you thought you could lead me on like that. I was curious to see for how long you were planning to lie to me.’

‘I-’

‘Honestly Josh, it’s such a fucked up thing to do. And I don’t even blame you for falling out of love with me. No. I’m not going to lie, it does hurt like shit. It hurts so bad but I get it. You can’t control this kind of things. It’s not your fault, Josh. And I would have understood, you know? You’re human. Matt is such a sweet guy. You can’t help it and that’s okay. No. What I’m blaming you for is the way… The way you lied. Again, and again and again. Even when I… Even when I tried to make you tell me. Even when I asked you. You just… You just kept lying. Over and over again. Do you at least have an idea of how that made me feel? Do you at least have an idea of how bad you hurt me?’

‘Tyler, I-’

‘For christ’s sake Josh I just wanted you to open up to me! To tell me what’s wrong, to try and explain but you did none of those things. And do you know what the worst part is? The worst part is that I’m still helplessly in love with you, even after all this time, even after all I’ve been through because of you. And I’ve been through so much shit these past few weeks, trust me. But no. I still love you and I don’t know if I’ll ever stop. The only thing that makes me feel better these days is that I know now, that you sure as hell don’t deserve me.'

‘I don’t.’ Josh only agrees.

‘You’re such an asshole.’ Tyler answers, a few tears rolling down his cheeks.

‘I know.’

‘And I’m sorry I got mad at you. I came here to have a real talk but I guess I just needed to get everything out of my chest once and for all.’

‘Don’t apologize.’ Josh only says and Tyler can see that his own eyes are filled with tears. ‘Every single thing you said was true. I deserved that.’

‘You know a part of me really wants to forgive you. You’re just human after all. That’s what my mother told me. You’re just human. And humans make stupid mistakes. But I just… I just don’t have it in me to do that just yet.’

‘Tyler I will never expect you to forgive me. I will never expect you to talk to me again. If you want to distance yourself from me, if you want to block my number, if you never want to see my face again… Then I’ll understand. It will hurt. Cause like I said. I do care about you. A lot more than you can possibly think. But I’ll understand. I don’t expect anything from you. I just want you to be happy. Maybe you don’t believe a single word I’m saying but I do. I mean it. And if you ever want to be friends again then I’ll be there.’

‘I… Maybe one day I’d like that.’

‘Then I’ll just wait for that day to happen. And if it never does then that’s okay too. I’m just sorry our relationship has to end up like that.’

‘I’m sorry, too.’ Tyler says, looking down at his hands. ‘I’ll ask Mark to grab the last of my stuff at your apartment. He’ll probably come by this week-end.’

‘I’ll be there.’

‘Goodbye, Josh.’ Tyler answers, getting up. His coffee cold in his cup.

And even if his heart feels heavy as he leaves the cafe, he knows seeing Josh for what may be the last time was a major step towards moving on completely.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> What do you think? Thank you for reading.


	3. Chapter 3

Tyler is seated at the counter of a bar. It’s been two years already but to him it feels like yesterday. He can still hear his voice sometimes. He can still picture his smile every single time he closes his eyes. He can still picture his head and the weird habits he had, the way he would bite his nails when he was feeling nervous, the way he would run his hands through his hair every single time he wanted to hide something from him, the way he wouldn’t dry all the way after a shower. He still remembers everything. Every detail.

It got better. Of course it did. He hasn’t seen him since their last talk in the cafe. Of course there have been times when the only thing he really wanted to do was to call him and to see his face one more time. There have been times when the only thing he really wanted to do was to forgive him, tell him that it’s okay, that he doesn’t blame him anymore, that he understands. But the truth is that he doesn’t. He still doesn’t understand, and he doesn’t think he ever will. The truth it that it’s not okay. It will never be okay.

The first few months after their break-up were the hardest for Tyler. He started blaming himself, he started thinking that maybe it was all on him. He started thinking that maybe it was his fault. Maybe he could have tried harder. Maybe he just wasn’t enough. Maybe he deserved it. Back then drinking and hooking up with strangers in dirty bathrooms was the only way for him to forget. It was the only way for him to numb the pain. And if Mark hadn’t been there for him to set him straight and make him realize what a mess he was, then maybe he would still be there, at this point of his life.

Getting into a fight with his best-friend had been a turning point for him. He decided enough was enough and so he gathered all his belongings and just left. He left Columbus and took the first plane to San Francisco to join his friend Jenna. He lived with her for a few months and eventually got his own flat once he had settled in his new job in another music store.

He was doing better, or at least for the most part he was. But the nighttime has always been harder, ever since he can remember. Because it is the only time of the day when he cannot get his mind off things. It’s the only time of the day when he cannot numb the pain anymore. The only time of the day when every single thing comes back to him.

That’s why he’s seated at the counter tonight. He’s not even drinking. He stopped this bad habit a few months ago. Nothing good comes from drinking. He’s taking a few sips of his diet coke and he’s only staring into space. He can hear some guy talking to him but he’s only half-listening. This one has been eyeing him for the past hour and Tyler knew it was only a matter of minutes until he would engage the conversation. He nods from time to time but he stays silent.

‘You’re not much of a talker, are you?’

‘Not really.’

‘I bet I could change that.’ The guy says and Tyler only sighs and brings all his attention back to his drink. Until he can feel it. His hand. The stranger placed it on his thigh.

‘Alright back off.’ Tyler says abruptly, taking his hand off him.

‘Come on I know you want it.’ The stranger answers, wrapping a powerful arm around his shoulders. And Tyler suddenly feels trapped. Stuck. He can feel his hand squeezing his thigh once again and he wants to scream, he wants to push him and go back home but his body is paralyzed.

‘I don’t.’ He still says after a few seconds but the stranger doesn’t listen and holds him a bit closer. His eyes start to water and his lips start shaking until his eyes fall on a man standing a few meters away from him. He seems to be hanging out with some friends of his but by the way his eyes shuttle back and forth between him and the stranger, Tyler just knows he is paying attention to the situation. _I need help_ _–_ Tyler mouths to him with pleading eyes and that’s all it takes for him to separate himself from his friends and walk towards them with a determined look on his face.

‘Get off him.’ He says, his voice cold.

‘Oh yeah? Is he your boyfriend or something?’

‘I said get _off_ him.’ He repeats. ‘Move. Now.’

‘Alright you won.’ The guy answers, moving away from Tyler and he suddenly feels like he can breathe again. His shoulders fall and he runs both of his shaking hands through his hair, taking a deep breathe and trying to hold back his tears.

‘Hey man are you okay?’ The guy says, placing a comforting hand on his right shoulder.

‘I… Yeah I… I’ll be okay. Thank you so much.’

‘You sure?’

‘I… I don’t know.’ Tyler admits, his lips still shaking. ‘I just… I don’t know.’

‘What’s your name?’ The stranger says, taking a seat next to him.

‘Tyler.’

‘I’m Dan’. The guys says, holding out his hand to him. Tyler hesitates for a few seconds and eventually shakes it, giving him a small smile. ‘Are you gonna be okay on your own? I’m here with some friends, you can join us for a while if you want?’

‘Well I… I don’t want to be a bother.’

‘Nonsense.’ Dan answers with a smile. ‘Come. I’t ll be great.’

**

It is great – Tyler decides. Dan makes him laugh. It’s been a long time since he laughed so much. He makes him laugh and smile and Tyler just doesn’t understand why he’s being so nice to him. He doesn’t understand why he’s being so considerate and gentle. Maybe it’s a trap. Maybe he’s being trapped again. Because people are not nice. He’s made his peace with that a long time ago. They lie, they hurt each other, they’re not genuinely good like so many seem to think. Of that, he’s sure.

It’s great until he hears this song. Their song. The song to which him and Josh used to dance their asses off. The song he had planned to play at their wedding. And suddenly his face darkens and all he can think about is the way Josh would crack up when he was watching his weird dance moves. Tyler used to make people laugh every day. Now he feels like he lost his humor that night, too.

‘Tyler? Are you okay?’

‘I… Yeah I… I’m fine.’ He says, smiling sadly. ‘I just… I just need to go back home. I’m sorry.’

‘No hey it’s no worries, alright?’ Dan answers instantly. ‘How far do you live?’

‘I… I don’t really know. But I can walk, it shouldn’t be more than one hour.’

‘One hour?’ Dan says, opening his eyes wide. ‘I have a car, I’m driving you home.’

‘You don’t need to, it’s alright I-’

‘I know I don’t.’ Dan cuts him off. ‘Come on.’

The car drive is silent. Tyler placed his head on the window and bites his lower lip to try and hold back his tears. And he hates himself for that. He hates himself for being so vulnerable in front of some stranger he barely knows. He hates himself for still being so affected by this break-up. He hates himself for still crying over him sometimes. Even if it is rare. Even if he’s doing great most of the times. There are still moments when all his brain seems to do is to dwell on the past and Tyler wishes it could stop.

Dan turned on the radio a few minutes ago and Tyler tries to focus on the music rather than on the void inside him. They’re stopped at a red-light right now and Tyler suddenly shivers with cold. It is already late November there and he is pretty sure the heating system of the car is down. Dan seems to notice it and takes his coat on the backseat to place it on his shoulders.

‘I’m sorry, my car is a mess.’

‘No it’s… It’s fine. Thank you.’ Tyler only says.

‘It’s all good.’

‘I’m sorry I ruined your night out.’

‘Dude, you didn’t ruin anything, alright?’ Dan says with a smile. ‘You actually made it better.’

‘Yeah I’m not so sure about that.’

‘Well I am.’ Dan answers. ‘I’m just sorry you had to deal with that asshole back there.’

‘It’s alright.’ Tyler says. ‘I’m used to it.’

‘You are?’

‘At this point, I’m pretty sure I’m an asshole magnet.’

‘Well I promise I’m not an asshole.’

‘Yeah… You definitely aren’t. Tyler answers and Dan gives him a large smile. ‘Or maybe you just keep your cards close to your chest.’ He adds, and earns a small laugh from him.

‘You don’t trust people easily, do you?’ He asks, parking his car on the pavement next to Tyler’s flat.

‘I guess I don’t.’

‘Are you gonna be okay on your own?’

‘Yeah.’ Tyler answers. ‘Don’t worry about me.’

‘Here.’ Dan gives him a business card with a number written on it. ‘Call me if you need anything, alright? Or if you ever want to talk, or hang out.’

‘Why are you being so nice to me?’ Tyler suddenly asks, looking down at the card.

_Daniel Evans. Professional photographer._

‘I’m just being a decent guy.’

Tyler steps off the car and he’s about to take a few steps towards his apartment when he realized that he still have Dan’s jacket on him.

‘Man, your jacket!’ He says through the window.

‘Keep it.’ Dan only answers. ‘It looks better on you anyway.’ He adds. ‘And it will give me an excuse to see you again.’

 

**

‘I met someone.’ Tyler says to Jenna one week later when they’re comfortably seated at her kitchen’s table. It’s not rare for her to invite him to have dinner at her place and Tyler is never the one to refuse. Jenna’s cooking is amazing and without her, he will probably only live from cookies and Taco Bell takeaway.

‘What?’ Jenna instantly says, looking up at him with a huge smile on her face. ‘Tyler, that’s amazing!’

‘Do you really think so?’ He asks, biting his lower lip. ‘I mean he… He was so sweet but I… Maybe it’s too soon.’

‘Tyler, it will always be too soon and… And after what Josh did to you I… It can only do you some good. To start something new. With a good guy, this time.’

‘Josh seemed like a good guy too, at first.’ He says. ‘I don’t know Jen, I just… I’m not sure I’m ready to trust someone again.’

‘Then start slow. Tell him about Josh. I’m sure he’ll understand.’

‘Yeah.’ Tyler only answers, his voice still unsure.

‘What’s he like?’

‘Hum, he’s… His name is Dan. He’s a photographer. We met… We met in a bar last week, he… He basically saved my ass from an asshole who was being too insistent. We talked a bit, and… I don’t know he was funny. I guess. And kind. But then this song was played and I… It made me think about Josh so I wanted to leave and he drove me back home. That’s it. End of story.’

‘You should text him.’

**

‘ _Hi. It’s Tyler from last week. We met in this bar? Maybe you don’t remember me.’_

‘ _Of course I remember you :) how are you feeling?’_

‘ _I’m good. Thanks. I was thinking that maybe we could hang out at my place tomorrow night? Maybe have diner, watch a movie, I don’t know.’_

‘ _It seems great, Tyler. I’ll be there.’_

**

‘What do you mean, you never saw Donnie Darko?’ Tyler asks with a bewildered expression on his face.

‘Says the guy who never saw fucking Star Wars!’ Dan instantly answers him back.

Tyler opens his mouth to say something but ends up staying silent because he knows, deep down, that not seeing Star Wars is a lot more shocking than not knowing the existence of the movie ‘Donnie Darko.’

‘Star Wars is overrated. ‘

‘That makes no sense, you haven’t even seen them!’ Dan says with a smile, nudging him.

‘Well I just… I just know.’

‘Oh you just know?’ Dan imitates him with a mocking smile. ‘And what else do you think you know, Tyler Joseph?’

‘Well I… I also know you have no taste in movies.’ He answers and only smiles a bit more when Dan lets out a small laugh.

‘You’re unbelievable.’

When Dan first entered his flat, Tyler was feeling so nervous he thought the evening would be a complete disaster. He had tried to put his cooking skills into practice but only ended up failing the quiche he wanted to do and burning it out. Luckily, Dan just laughed it out and ordered some pizzas for the both of them while Tyler was trying to air the living-room so it could stop smelling like smoke and burnt food.

After that, they both devoured the two pizzas while watching ‘Prisoners’ with Jake Gyllenhaal and the debate has started from there. The movie is still on but Tyler’s eyes are focused on Dan’s face and the same feeling as when he first met Josh hits his chest. And he’s scared. Because Dan has made it clear that he wants something to happen between them throughout the night but what if it is just another mistake? What if Dan ends up betraying his trust like Josh did? What if Tyler only ends up heartbroken a second time? There are so many ‘what if’ Tyler is not sure if it is worth it anymore.

‘I… I also know my cooking skills are terrible and that you should never let me near an oven anymore.’

‘That’s true.’

‘And I also know that… I also know that you may be the sweetest guy I’ve ever met and that makes me so shitless.’

Dan’s face instantly softens and Tyler slowly looks down at his hands, only to see that they’re both shaking. He’s not used to feel that way. Ever since his break-up with Josh, his love life has been a mess. And deep down, he knows he is the only one to blame. He was so scared to put his trust into somebody else that he started hanging out with bad people instead. Like that, he knew he wouldn’t be disappointed. Those people made him feel less than he was, those people made him feel judged and insecure and self-conscious. And this only made him more broken than he actually was. But Tyler was okay with that. He was stuck in this self loathing and self destruction spiral and Dan is the first person to change that and to make him feel different about himself.

‘Tyler...’ Dan only says, placing his right hand on his left cheek. ‘I don’t know what happened in your life to make you feel so… So insecure and so… So scared to trust other people but you… You could try to work on that, you know? I could help.’

‘I… I’m actually already seeing a therapist.’ Tyler only says.

‘Yeah?’ Dan only answers, encouraging him to talk more.

‘And… And it helps, you know. It really does. I just… I guess I’m just… I just need a bit more time. But I’m getting there.’

‘Well I’m glad. Cause anyone who made you feel less than yourself can just fuck off.’

And Tyler doesn’t really know why he gets closer to Dan to bring their lips together. Maybe it’s because of the way he looks at him. Maybe it’s because of what he just said, or maybe it’s just because he decides that it’s time. And maybe it’s not. Maybe it’s too soon. Maybe he should wait a bit. But then Dan is kissing him back and all his good sense goes up in smoke.

**

‘His name is Josh.’ He says, later that night, when he’s laying down next to Dan.

‘Josh?’

‘The guy who basically destroyed all my self-confidence. His name is Josh.’

‘Do you want to talk about it?’ Dan only asks.

‘No.’ Tyler says.

‘Okay.’

**

‘So Jenna told me you were seeing someone?’ Mark says on the phone.

‘Yeah. His name is Dan.’ Tyler answers and cannot help a smile from stretching his lips.

‘How long have you two been dating?’

‘Three weeks. A month, soon.’

‘How is it going?’

‘Good. I guess.’ Tyler only says, looking down at his hands. ‘I… I still haven’t talked to him about Josh, though.’ He adds. ‘And I… I can feel he’s getting frustrated with me.’

‘What do you mean?’

‘Well he never… He never really said it out loud but I can see that… He’s growing impatient. Which can make sense. I’m… I’m still always wary, Mark. I’m always… I’m always on the lookout. I don’t… I don’t trust him. I mean of course I do but I just…’

‘Tyler I’m sorry but I’m going to be straight with you, alright?’ Mark says. ‘You need to talk to him. You need to open up, you need to be honest. Otherwise it’s just… Otherwise it’s just always going to be there, in the back of your mind, and… You and I both know that he deserves to know why you’re always being so cautious. He’s your boyfriend, Tyler. He just wants to get to know you better.’

**

‘ _I love you, Tyler.’_

Tyler never answers.

**

Tyler decides that making out with Dan may be the best thing he’s ever experienced so far. That, until he starts to have sex with him. He decides then that having sex with him is even better. He never thought that making love could have such a soothing impact on him again. He never thought it could erase all the tensions from his body and make him feel better about himself again.

But Dan proved him wrong. He’s cautious, and gentle, and loving. Except when Tyler wants it to be rough. But what’s even more important is that he always feels loved.

Even now when Tyler finally reaches his climax, Dan holds him close and runs both of his hands through his sweaty hair before bringing their lips together for what seems to be like the hundredth time of the night.

‘God I love you so freaking much.’ Dan only says, moving his hands from his hair to his cheeks, kissing him one more time on the nose.

‘I…’

‘You don’t have to say it.’ Dan answers and Tyler’s eyes instantly start watering. ‘I know you do.’

 _And he does_. _So much_. But just like each time, Tyler stays silent and wraps both of his arms around his neck to bring him closer.

 _I love you_. He thinks that night before falling asleep next to him.

**

It all goes down one day.

Tyler comes back home late from work and as he’s climbing the stairs, he can hear Dan’s voice from his flat. He slows down and he’s about to open the front-door when he hears it. And his whole body freezes and he stays paralyzed in the hallway, unable to move.

‘I love you too.’ Dan says. ‘Yeah I know… I know I should talk to him but he’s… I know he’s not doing great lately and I don’t want to do that to him right now, I don’t think he… I don’t think he’ll handle that very well… I know. I know, okay? But I… I know I should be honest but I… I’m just scared.’

‘No, no, no, no.’ Tyler only says to himself after a few seconds. ‘Not again.’ He adds, and some tears already start rolling down his cheeks.

‘Okay.’ Dan goes on. ‘Yeah I… Of course I’ll keep you updated… Alright I’ll see you tomorrow night. Love you.’

Tyler stays there, standing in the hallway, with a lump in his throat. His lips start shaking and it feels to him like he doesn’t know how to breathe anymore. Because he realizes now. Never saying these three words out loud for fear of being hurt doesn’t make it any less real. Quite the contrary. Because he does loves him. Of course he does. But what’s the point now?

 _Maybe I brought this on myself_. Maybe it is truly on him, this time. Josh was a selfish prick and too much of a coward to come clean but this time? This time, maybe it’s on him. Maybe he should have been more honest. Maybe he should have said those three words out loud. Maybe he should have trusted him more.

He is in tears but manages to take a deep breathe before violently opening the front-door of his flat. He’s not going to do the same mistake, this time. He’s not going to wait for Dan to come clean. He’s going to confront him with the truth right now.

‘You’re such a fucking asshole, you know that right?’ Tyler screams, making Dan jump with surprise.

‘Tyler, what’s going on?’ He just asks, confused.

‘What’s going on?’ Tyler imitates him, letting out a nervous laugh a few seconds after. ‘Are you fucking serious right now? I heard you, okay? I fucking heard you on the phone.’

‘What did you hear?’

‘God damn it, Dan. I thought… I thought I could trust you, you know? I thought that maybe you were different but you’re not. You’re just like everybody else.’ He goes on, ignoring Dan’s hurt expression. ‘I don’t even know why I’m surprised.’ He adds. ‘I should have known you were a cheating bastard like he was.’

‘Tyler, I never cheated on you.’ Dan says. ‘I-’

‘Don’t fucking deny it please.’ Tyler cuts him off. ‘I just… You knew how much self-conscious I was. You knew how hard it is for me to… To put my trust in others and you… You’re such an asshole. You’re such a fucking asshole.’ He repeats, bursting into tears. ‘God you really screwed me over, didn’t you?’ He says. ‘Get the fuck out of my flat. Right now. Don’t wait tomorrow to join him, I don’t even care anym-’

‘It was my fucking mother, Tyler!’ Dan suddenly screams, even louder, and Tyler’s whole body freezes another time.

‘Don’t lie to me, I heard you!’

‘And what did you hear exactly?’ Dan asks, his voice cold.

“I… I heard you, alright? You were talking about how much you wanted to break up with me and how I ‘wouldn’t handle it very well’ No shit, Dan? Very deductive!’

‘It was my fucking _mother_.’ Dan only repeats. ‘I was talking about you, yes. I was telling her all about how I love you so freaking much. I was telling her about how I knew this Josh guy somehow fucked with your feelings and made you feel insecure and distrustful of everyone around you. Even me.’ He says. ‘I was telling her that I was a bit frustrated and that I didn’t know how to help you anymore.’

‘But you… I-’

‘She was advising me to be honest with you, Tyler, to try and break that shell you built around you.’ Dan goes on and Tyler’s anger is slowly being replaced by guilt, and shame. ‘Do you really think so low of me?’

‘No!’ He instantly says. ‘Dan I… I’m sorry. I’m so sorry I just… It was just a misunderstanding I-’

‘Look.’ Dan cuts him off, handing him his cellphone. ‘See? It’s written ‘mom’. I’m not fucking with your feelings, Tyler. But the thought of you thinking that I was is just so… It’s so fucked up.’

‘I’m sorry.’ Tyler says, in tears. ‘Oh god, I’m so sorry. I just… It’s… Josh, he...’

‘Leave it, Tyler.’ Dan only says. ‘Just leave it.’ He adds, and leaves the flat, slamming the door behind him.

**

‘ _Jenna, I fucked up real bad. Can you come over?’_

‘ _On my way.’_

**

‘And then, he just… He just stormed out and I… I’m so freaking stupid, Jen, I… I-’

‘Tyler, it’s not your fault.’

‘But it is!’ Tyler says. ‘It is. I… He’s always been so sweet and understanding and so fucking patient and I just… I’m such a piece of shit, I don’t…’

‘Tyler, listen to me, alright?’ Jenna only answers, placing her hand on his chin to make him look up. ‘Josh cheated on you for weeks, it’s… It makes sense that you suspected the worst when you heard him. He didn’t deserve any of that and I’m sure what you said must have hurt him a lot but please… Please stop thinking so low of yourself, alright? You need to stop thinking that how Josh made you feel is a reflection of who you really are. Because it’s not. And I know it’s hard. I know how much he… How much he destroyed a part of you but you’ll get there. Moving on is hard. But I promise you you’ll see the end of it one day. And it starts now. By telling Dan everything and giving him a bit more credit.’

‘I… He’s probably never going to come back anyway.’

‘Of course he will, Tyler.’ Jenna says. ‘Of course he will.’

**

When Dan comes back later that night, it is already half past two in the morning and Tyler is muffled in blankets, only half listening to a documentary about space. As soon as he hears the front-door being opened, he looks up at his boyfriend and bites his lower lip when Dan watches him for a few seconds without saying anything before locking himself in the bathroom.

Tyler runs his right hand through his hair a few times and tries to stay calm like Jenna advised him earlier this evening. He takes a deep breathe and takes his cellphone to text Mark but refrains himself from doing so a few seconds later. Because his friend is probably already sleeping but also because he knows he has to start taking his own decisions from now on. He needs to stop relying on his friends so much and needs to act for himself.

When Dan gets out of the bathroom, Tyler opens his mouth to say something but he doesn’t let him the chance to speak that he’s already making his way towards his bedroom, closing the door behind him. Tyler bites his lower lip and quickly wipes the tears off his cheek before standing up and taking a few steps forward. Then, he knocks on the door a few times before opening it slowly, looking up at him. Dan is standing in the middle of their bedroom, changing into his pajamas.

‘Can we talk?’ Tyler says, almost whispering. Dan sighs and only takes a seat on the bed. Tyler does the same.

‘I’m listening.’ He still says and lets Tyler slowly holds his hand in his.

‘I’m sorry.’ Tyler says. ‘I’m sorry I said those things to you. You’ve always been so kind, considerate and patient with me and you didn’t deserve any of this.’ He adds. ‘I’m sorry I reacted the way I did, it’s just that when I… When I heard you in the hallway I just… Everything came back to me and I just… I just lost it. I… Dan, I… I have a lot of baggage, and I’m sorry I haven’t opened up to you about it already, it’s just… I’ve tried so hard to forget about these things I guess I just… I’m scared it will get bad again if I start talking about it to you.’

‘But Tyler, I need to know those things, okay?’ Dan says, squeezing his hand in his. ‘I need to know these things, otherwise how the fuck am I supposed to help you? How am I supposed to understand you and the way you react to some things?’

‘I know.’ Tyler answers, calmly. ‘I know.’

‘It’s about this Josh, isn’t it?’

‘It is.’

‘Then, tell me about him.’

‘What do you want to know?’ Tyler asks.

‘Everything.’ Dan only answers.

‘Alright.’ Tyler says. ‘Then bear with me, okay? It’s a long story.’

‘I have all night long.’ Dan says, and Tyler only gives him a shy smile.

‘Josh and I, it… It goes back a long way.’ Tyler starts, looking down at their joined hands. ‘We… We were so young. When we started dating. I was only 18. And I… I’m not going to go into the details because it’s not important but… You just need to know that the first seven years of living together were amazing. He was kind. I used to think he was the kindest person I’ve ever met.’ He says, letting out a small laugh. ‘He was… I was so much in love with him, Dan. We were… We were the kind of couple everyone looked up to, in a way. I guess you can say that. I was convinced he was my soulmate. And maybe he was. Maybe he still is. I trusted him. I trusted him so much, Dan, I… I trusted him with my life… But then, I… Then it all turned to shit.’

A few tears roll down Tyler’s cheeks and he quickly wipes them off with his free hand.

‘It all turned to so much shit.’ Tyler says. ‘I… I don’t even remember how I… How I realized he was cheating on me. At first, I think it was only suspicions. I started seeing… I started seeing all the signs. The secret calls, the lies, the nights out… It was hard, you know? It’s eight years of my life, and I… I never thought he would… I was so far away from thinking he could do something like that to me. And the worst part is that I… I didn’t say anything, Dan, and looking back now, I… I realize how stupid I was. I was seeing all the signs but I’ve never said anything. Until I realized who he was cheating on me with. It was with a friend of us. Matt. He was a good friend, and I… I don’t know. I wasn’t even surprised and I… I just became so numb, Dan. He kept lying to me. Over and over again even when I… Even when I was trying to make him tell me. I was trying so hard. But he kept lying like a fucking piece of shit he was.’ He says, his voice getting angrier. ‘And I… I didn’t know what to do. Dan. I didn’t know what to do, I… I felt stuck. I felt so fucking trapped in this relationship and I don’t even know why.’

Tyler’s voice breaks and he only starts crying a bit more. Dan wraps his arms around his shoulders and moves his hand to place it on his cheek and wipes the tears himself.

‘I was so fucking stupid. I could have just left. I should have left. But I was… I just wanted to know for how much time he was planning to… To fuck with my feelings. But he never did, Dan. He never did. He never came clean. I was the one who had to confront him with the truth. I was the one who had to leave. He was such a… He was such a fucking asshole.’

‘Tyler, I’m so so sorry.’ Dan starts saying and Tyler only squeezes his hand a bit more.

‘I was still in Columbus back then. And… The first few months after the break-up were… I completely lost it, Dan. I was… I was a mess. I wasn’t eating. I wasn’t sleeping. I wasn’t even cleaning myself, I was… I was a wreck. I was spending my days locked in my room in the dark. I must have lost thirty pounds. You… You won’t have recognized me back then.’ He says. ‘Mark he… He helped me. So much. I owe him and my parents everything. He kept me sane. He tried to, at least. Which wasn’t an easy thing to do with me.’ He adds. ‘I only saw Josh one more time after the break-up. He apologized and I… I just didn’t have it in me to forgive him. Then I started drinking. A lot. And hooking up with strangers too but... Then I got into this fight. With Mark. He made me realize how much of a mess I was. And I could feel that Columbus was only holding me back. So I eventually left. I left Columbus and I ended up here, in San Francisco, to join Jenna. I… You know I lived with her for a while. Then I started working in this music store and got this flat.’

‘It’s a great flat.’ Dan only says, to try and lighten the mood and Tyler only lets out a small laugh and nods.

‘It is.’ Tyler agrees. ‘Anyway, I… I started seeing this therapist and… I guess I realized that nothing good comes from alcohol and meaningless sex. At least, not for me.’

Dans runs both of his hands through Tyler’s hair and brings their lips together for a few seconds, staying silent.

‘And then I met you.’ Tyler says, crying a bit more. ‘And Dan, I… You need to know that you make everything easier and harder at the same time. Josh, he… He broke me. He destroyed my self-confidence, he ruined my self-esteem, he hurt me so bad I just… I couldn’t trust anyone anymore. I just thought that… That If I put my trust in someone, they’ll end up screwing me over like he did. But then I…. There was you and you’re so sweet and considerate and I… You started making me feel things I thought I would never feel again. You were being so nice to me and I just… I don’t know, Dan, you were scaring me. You still do. I don’t know how to… I don’t know how to act around you and I… I thought that If I stayed distant then maybe… Maybe I would…’

‘You were staying distant to protect yourself.’ Dan says, and Tyler only nods.

‘But Dan I… I love you.’ Tyler finally says and Dan’s eyes instantly light up. ‘And I thought that maybe If I didn’t say these words out loud, then it wouldn’t make it real. But I… It’s too late now, I… I love you so fucking much and I’m sorry for… I’m sorry for what I said. But I… It’s terrifying. When Josh left me, I… I started building this shell like you said, and I… I promised myself I wouldn’t be vulnerable in front of anyone, because then they would… They would have the possibility of fucking with my feelings. But then you came in the picture and you… You ruined my plans.’

‘Tyler, being vulnerable in front of someone doesn’t make you weak, you know? Quite the opposite. It takes so much strength. It means you’re putting yourself out there and allow yourself to take risks, to open up to people, to trust.’

‘I know, I just...’

‘How do you feel, now?’ Dan asks.

‘Scared.’ Tyler says. ‘Relieved.’

‘Exactly.’ He answers. ‘Being vulnerable is scary, yes, but if it’s with the right people then it can only be good for you.’

‘But I’m still a mess, Dan. I’m still so broken inside and I… I promise you I’m going to try harder but… But if you want to leave, then I-’

‘Tyler, I’m not going anywhere, alright?’ He says, placing his two hands on his cheeks. ‘I’m not going anywhere.’ He repeats a second time. ‘You’re going to have to try harder to get rid of me.’

‘But I… Josh still has such a huge impact on me, I… You must be mad.’

‘I’m not.’ Dan instantly contradicts him. ‘I’m really not.’

Dan wraps his arms around his shoulders and Tyler can instantly feel all the tension leaving his body. He hides his face in the crook of his neck and lets out a content sigh when Dan strokes his hair a few times, pressing small kisses on his head now and then.

‘I’m so glad you talked to me, Tyler. I could never be mad at you.’ He says, almost whispering. ‘And I can’t promise you that I’m going to love you forever but I will never betray your trust like Josh did. You can be sure of that.’

‘Thank you.’

And as Dan holds him close, Tyler’s thoughts turn to Josh and for the first time in two years, it finally feels to him like drawing a line under that time in his life is possible.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Tell me how bad it is, I'm ready.


	4. Chapter 4

Tyler was convinced telling Dan all about Josh would only make things worse. He was convinced it would bring him down one more time and make him want to run away again. To flee from all his responsibilities and never come back. He thought it would bring back all these bad memories he tried and continue to try so hard to forget. And it did. Everything did come back to him that night. All the lies, all the secrets, all the suspicions. Everything came back to him. But maybe that’s okay. Maybe he doesn’t need to forget. Maybe he just has to try and learn to live with it.

It’s been two months since their big argument. It’s been two months since Tyler told him the whole story, about his life with Josh. And as surprising as it sounds to him, that night only seemed to have brought them a bit closer, a little bit stronger. Tyler starts to trust Dan a bit more. He starts to confide in him more often. They even started what they called the “honest fridays”. Tyler thought it was a stupid idea at first but he eventually played along and he’s now the one to make sure they never forget. The principle is pretty simple: They both sit on the couch of their living-room and talk about their weeks, about their feelings, about anything they might want to share with the other. It might be a remark about something one of them did or said that made the other uncomfortable or angry. It can be a discussion to learn about each other’s boundaries or limits. It can be anything. Anything that can make their relationship stronger.

Sometimes, it lasts one hour. Sometimes it lasts fifteen minutes. Sometimes, it only lasts five minutes because one of them is not in the mood to talk and prefer to stay silent or spend some time on his own and in that case, they only postpone it until later or skip it and start again the week after. But Tyler has withdraws into himself and keep all his emotions inside him for so long that he’s usually the one talking to him for a bit and asking Dan to sit down. It turns out being vulnerable and open with someone is actually a good thing sometimes.

This is what Tyler is thinking about when he climbs the stairs to get back to their apartment. Dan was away for a few days and even though he only left two days ago, Tyler already misses him a lot more than he would care to admit and can’t wait for him to come back. He is still working in this music store and his day has been hectic. Christmas is on its way and more and more people are coming in to try and find the perfect birthday’s present for their loved ones. And Tyler has always loved advising people especially when it comes to music, but the store is now always crowded, from the morning to the closing time and Tyler is exhausted and only waits for the one-week vacation he planned in two weeks.

He’s now laying down on the couch, his headphones on his ears. He is too engrossed in the music and doesn’t hear Dan opening the door of their flat. This one places one of his hands on his shoulders and Tyler suddenly jumps with surprise, his headphones falling on his neck.

“Dude, you scared the shit out of me.”

“Sorry.” Dan says with a sympathetic smile. He then puts his hand on the back of his neck and kisses him for a few seconds. He then runs both of his hands through his hair and Tyler can’t stop himself from smiling. For so long, he was convinced he would never find somebody that could make him feel so many things. But Dan proved him wrong.

“I love you.” He lets himself say.

“I love you too.”

“I love you so fucking much.” He says again, kissing him one more time.

 _Maybe that’s what happiness feels like_ – Tyler thinks.

***

“How is Dan?” Mark asks on the phone that day. His friend still lives in Columbus. Tyler always thought he would eventually come back there one day. He always thought he would end up leaving San Francisco. It was just a temporary thing, at first. Leaving Columbus, settling in California for a while, until things got better concerning the Josh situation, and then come back there and find a house near his parent’s. He’s always been so close to his family that living so far away from them was something unthinkable for him.

Until he met Dan. He still misses his family sometimes. He misses them all the time, in fact. But he knows now that Columbus will always hold him back. He belongs here, now. He’s home.

“He’s great.” Tyler answers after a few seconds. “Taking pictures here and then. A bit tired, I think. Lots of projects. He’s always on the move. We actually changed his website completely to try and make it look a bit more modern and he gets a lore more attention now. He’s excited.”

“Yeah, that’s what I saw. It looks great. And how are you?”

“I’m doing okay too. I’m exhausted, though, but only five days left and then I can relax.”

“Have you planned something? With Dan.”

“Not much, no. He’s going to be busy but we’ll try to go to Columbus for a few days. Say hi to my parents you know. He’s already met them but I’m pretty sure my mom wants to know a bit more about him. Dan really wanted to go there too I don’t really know why.”

“How are you feeling about it?” Mark asks.

“About going back to Columbus?”

“Yeah.”

“I don’t know.” Tyler admits. “I mean it’s been two years you know. I guess I’m a bit scared.”

“I’m pretty sure everything is going to be okay, Tyler. I know it can be terrifying with everything that went down the last time you were there, but… It probably can do you some good, you know.”

“Yeah maybe you’re right. And my parents are going to kill me if I don’t go back, they’re tired of being the ones having to travel all the way to San Francisco.”

“I can’t wait to see you, man. I miss you so much.”

“I miss you too.”

***

A small smile stretches his lips when the car goes past the “Columbus” sign. Dan is driving and Tyler rests his head against the window, his eyes watching the landscapes going by in front of him. It feels weird to him, going back to Columbus after two years in San Francisco.

They wanted to take the plane at first. It was so much easier and mostly faster but Dan had insisted that they should take the opportunity to do a road-trip across the USA and Tyler instantly agreed. He doesn’t regret it now. The last few days he spent with Dan, discovering new cities, sleeping in the car, driving until his feet hurt, are probably the bests he had in a while.

He thought the city would have changed a bit or at least seemed a bit different than in his memories but he was wrong. Everything is exactly how he remembers. The streets, the parks, the shops are still the same and Tyler can’t wait to be back in his neighborhood.

As he sees places he’s been to a thousand times before, he can’t stop himself from telling all about it to Dan; He tells him about his basketball matches on his high-school's court. He tells him about the countless hours he spends in the music store to try and discover some new artists he might like. He tells him about the forest and the tree-house he built with his father when he was 10. He tells him about his church, about the skateboard park he used to go to with his friends, about the nights outdoors, about his panic attack in the shopping center. Everything he can remember. And Dan just listens. He listens and smiles and ask him for more details.

Tyler decides that bringing Dan in his hometown is the best idea he’s ever had.

“All these places you’ve talked to me about? You’ll have to show me every single one of them.”

“Deal.” Tyler says with a smile, kissing Dan’s knuckles. “I was so scared to go back here.” He adds.

“Yeah?”

“With everything that happened with… With Josh and everything I just…You know.”

“I do.”

“I went through so much shit here. I’m sorry I made you wait for so long. I just wanted to make sure I had moved on, I guess.”

“It makes sense.” Dan only says, holding his hand tight against his.

“But I’m so glad we did. I can’t wait to show you around. I love San Francisco but this city will always feel like home to me.”

“Maybe we should go there more often, then.”

“Yeah.” Tyler answers. “Maybe we should.”

***

Tyler doesn’t need to introduce Dan to his parents a second time, they take a few steps in the living-room and his mom already makes him feel like home.

Tyler thought they would still be a bit mistrustful, wary even. Tyler thought they would ask him a thousand questions to be sure that his intentions are good. He’s been through so much after his break-up with Josh, it only made sense to him that they would be a bit overprotective. But they do none of these things. They ask him a lot of questions, yes, but Tyler can see they are only curious. They want to know more about him, but most importantly they want to make him feel like he is a part of this family. And as he sees Dan talking to his dad and laughing with his little brother in the living-room, he can’t help but to smile so big.

“What’s going on?” Dan asks him with a smile, once they’re the only ones left in the room.

“Nothing I just… I just feel lucky.”

“Lucky?”

“Yeah.” Tyler answers. “You’re the best thing that ever happened to me.” He adds, quieter.

Dan’s face instantly softens and his arms make his way around his neck. Tyler only smiles and buries his face in the crook of his neck, ignoring his mother’s eyes on the two of them.

***

“Merry Christmas Tyler.”

“Merry Christmas Dan.”

***

They’re in the supermarket. His mother needs some milk and some vegetables to finish the Christmas’ dinner. Tyler’s whole family is here, including two of his aunts and his cousins and he’s happy to spend some alone time with Dan, to get away from his crowded childhood’s house.

He walks slowly between the shelves, looking carefully around him to make sure he’s not forgetting something that could be useful during the next few days. Dan has gone get the milk and Tyler pushes the trolley, making his way towards the checkouts. That, until he hears a voice behind him, calling him.

“Tyler?”

 _This voice_ – Tyler thinks. He hasn’t heard it in more than three years, yet he could recognize it in a sea of a million people. His whole body tenses up and he stops dead in his track. He doesn’t move. He doesn’t move and stays quiet. He’s afraid. He’s afraid of turning around and being right about who will face him. He’s afraid and he wishes he could be wrong. But then his voice speaks again and Tyler knows he’s not. It’s Josh’s voice.

“Tyler?”

“Josh.” Tyler says, turning around, slowly.

And here he is, standing in front of him. He’s changed a bit. His hair is not red anymore. Not yellow, either. It’s black. He went back to his natural color and a three days stubble somehow makes him look a bit older. His nose piercing is still there, as well as his gauges and when Tyler’s eyes fall on his, he can see Josh is smiling at him, but he can still sense the anxiety emanating from him.

He wants to say something to him but nothing comes out of his mouth and Tyler instantly looks up at Dan when he hears his voice next to him.

“Hey Ty you’re ready to- _Oh_.”

“Hum Josh it’s Dan, my boyfriend. Dan it’s-”

“Josh.” He says with a cold voice, cutting him off. “Hi.”

“Hey.” Josh answers with a smile.

“How… How have you been doing?” Tyler asks. “You’re… Still living here?”

“Oh hum… Yeah. Still am. What about you?”

“I… No, I moved. To San Francisco. That’s where I met him.” He answers, taking Dan’s hand in his.

“That’s great.” Josh only says. “I’m happy for you, Tyler.” He still adds.

“Yeah.” Tyler answers. “Thanks. Are you… You’re still with Matt?”

“Oh no.” Josh instantly tells him with a nervous laugh. “He… He wasn’t a good person. He… He was pretty abusive and he… He cheated on me.”

“Well, at least now you know how that feels.”

“Dan.” Tyler says, cutting him off. “Don’t be a dick.”

“What? Are you seriously going to-”

“Dan.” Tyler repeats a second time. Because now is not the time. Three years have passed and still blaming Josh for what he did is not necessary. In his opinion, it’s not. He can sense Dan still wants to say something back to him but Tyler gives him a warning look, silently asking him to stay quiet.

“Sorry.” Dan eventually says while running one of his hands through his hair. “I… I’ll pay and wait in the car.”

“Okay.” Tyler gives him a smile, to make him understand that _he’s got this_. That he’s _okay_ and he doesn’t need to worry. “Sorry.” He adds to Josh once Dan disappeared of his field of vision.

“Don’t be, really.” Josh answers with a small smile. “I guess I deserved it.”

“No you didn’t.” Tyler contradicts him. “What you did back then was wrong but it’s ancient history.”

“So, San Francisco, huh? Never thought you would end up In California. You like living there?”

“Well, it’s… It’s a different atmosphere, you know. But I’ve been living there for two years and a half so… I got used to it. And now I… Yeah I guess you could say I like it. Dan is really attached to this city and he doesn’t see himself living elsewhere.” He answers. “What… What about you? How have you been doing?”

“I… I just… Matt and I we… We only stayed together for six months. Turns out he was a jerk.” Josh nervously laughs again. I’m sharing an apartment with a friend of mine and I… I’m still a therapist. Probably always will be.”

“You’re a good one.” Tyler tells him with a warm smile.

“How did you meet? With Dan.”

“Oh hum… We met in a bar. I was feeling very low back then for… For reasons you know, and… He really helped me to… To get my life back on track. He’s… I owe him a lot.”

“Are you happy?”

“I am.” Tyler says with a small smile. “Are you?”

“I try to be.”

Tyler only nods and says nothing. Tyler thinks it’s funny. To think about the fact that speaking to him used to always feel so liberating back in the days they were still together. They would share stories and laugh and Tyler still remembers how easy it all was, being around him, living with him, going on small trips. It all seemed so easy to him. He could talk to him for hours, about anything, without getting bored. And now they can barely say two words to each other without feeling weird and embarrassed. And Tyler didn’t expect their next encounter to be any different. They lived in separate worlds for so long it only makes sense that they would react this way. They’re not the same people. The Josh standing in front of him is not the same Josh he fell in love with twelve years ago. The Josh talking to him now is not the same Josh he broke up with. Tyler himself has changed. He has an infinite versions of himself living inside him and maybe they weren’t meant to stay together forever. And maybe that’s okay.

“It was great to see you again, Josh.” Tyler eventually says after a few seconds. “You take care, alright?”

“Yeah. You too.” Josh answers. “Tyler.” He calls him again before Tyler has the chance to turn around to join Dan in the car. “I just wanted you to know that… Cheating on you and ruining our relationship will always feel like the biggest mistake of my life to me.”

“We all do stupid mistakes, Josh. I spent so many time blaming you for every little thing that was happening to me after our break-up. I don’t anymore.”

 

***

“I’m sorry.”

“What for?”

“For the way I acted with Josh.” Dan answers. “It wasn’t fair. To him, and to you.”

“It’s alright. I understand.”

“I just… I just felt like I had to say something to him. I felt like I had to intervene. You’ve been through so much because of him and I guess a part of me can’t help but to hate him for that. But I didn’t have to do that. It was wrong of me and I’m sorry.”

“Dan, I get it.” Tyler says, placing a comforting hand on his shoulders. “You don’t have to worry about anything. You did nothing wrong. For all I know I would have reacted the same way.”

“How do you feel? About him?”

“A bit weird, I guess. He was part of eight years of my life, I… I still have a lot of affection for him and this feeling will probably never go away, you know, but… He’s not the same person anymore. And I’m not either. We went our separate ways and… I’m happy now. Where I am. With you. As cheesy as it may sounds, Josh… Josh belongs to my past. And you? You’re part of my future.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Pretty bad ending but I really hoped you liked this fic anyway :)

**Author's Note:**

> Hope you liked it


End file.
